@flashember

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

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@dru0887

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

@SJKSalisbury

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

@egg_dog

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

@KimmyMonte

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@MableGertrude

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

@OldsDad

I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed

@fro_vo

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents