[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying


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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!


baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.


I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.


I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed


presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents