[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?