[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
$4 #usedbooks
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.