Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Sooo many times…..
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.