[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*