[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
you have three unread messages
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.