[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet


Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.


Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?


Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting


if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world


Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.


My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.