@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

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@rad_milk

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@pixelatedboat

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@c_gawker

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@maughammom

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.