[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Going to church you guys need anything
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.