@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

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@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@J_Luce3

Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn’t Instagrammed.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

@AndrewNadeau0

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@the_great_hippo

“i’m taking some vacation days”

“oh, cool! where you going”

“uh, no where. got some stuff to do at home”

“oh, a house project? what you working on? a deck?”

“dishes”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.