It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries