*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.