My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
step 6: release the wall snake
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.