[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
You Might Also Like
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Yeah. This was me today.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Imma just leave this here…………
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT