“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*