My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.