My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.


Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.


Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.


I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people


“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything


*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*