My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
english majors be like furthermore
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.