With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.