@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

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@PickleRudd

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

@MasterOfFury

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@TheHyyyype

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.