My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?


Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream


Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat


Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!


“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


We are teaching children there is no “i” in team, but it’s way more important to teach them there’s no “a” in definitely.


ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later


*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.