@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

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@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@ibid78

Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

@brynnester

Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat

@WriterLifeCo

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@StephJoLanders

We are teaching children there is no “i” in team, but it’s way more important to teach them there’s no “a” in definitely.

@MelKassel

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

@Ideal_Victoria

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

@LOUD_Thoughts_

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.