My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…