The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.