Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Grow up never but we old may grow we
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
🙅🏻
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS