@sonictyrant

[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy

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@longwall26

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

@JesKeepSwimming

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

@KateWhineHall

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

@hasht4g

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.