People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[my first poker game]
OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*
ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
We’re out of toilet paper, also don’t pet the cat.
*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*
*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*
And that’s how they found out about maple syrup
I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.
What personal space?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.