Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.