Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
[my first poker game]
OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*
ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy
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A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Having a terrible night with my date and her husband
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.