When I pack too much for a short trip.
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.