My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes


[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!


ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.


ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*


When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in


Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.


Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you


Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer


[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”


I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.