My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Living the best life.. 😊
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
This is my bus stop.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.