My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol