My first son he is wonderful
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes