[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Every headline on the internet
Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me [making the jerk off motion]
Friend [jerking off]: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.