@WhaJoTalkinBout

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

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@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@MooseAllain

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.