My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’m not alone. I have ants.