When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*
And just like that, laundry is done.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
friend: you should name your plants
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.