My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”