@ConanOBrien

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

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@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@perfect_messs

*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@ankles_so_weak

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@papasuncle

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.