My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer