My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option