“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?


Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.


Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*


I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.


Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.


Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad ๐Ÿ˜
Happy ๐Ÿ˜
Scared ๐Ÿ˜
Excited ๐Ÿ˜
Surprised ๐Ÿ˜
Giving birth ;|


My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.