Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Giving birth ;|
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.