My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer