Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
crochet youtube is brutal
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene