My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

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Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.


Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted


Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”


I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.


Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.


Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.