My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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My inexpensive home security system…
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy