Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…