My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call


Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series


My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.


BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job


Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married


My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.


Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.


cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt


I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.