[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married
My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.
Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.
cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.