My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.