@cellapaz

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

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@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@roxiqt

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

@missrobotnik

The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@SpokeAna

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.