Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
ME: You guys are here, right?
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years
BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.