my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids


The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls


Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.


• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you


The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”


If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this


One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.