my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*swipes right on my hand mirror
rapatouille
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.