My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do