@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

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@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@lazerdoov

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

@TheCatWhisprer

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.

@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.