@joeyhuggles: I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.

@FunnyTunes: I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@TheDailySchmuck: *makes third wish* Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women. [Transformed into really nice handbag] Dammit.

@cbdoubleu: Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:

@AbbieEvansXO: THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator... THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing