@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

@bmarked21

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

@semple42

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@nbadag

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon