My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
wife: wtf just happened


[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup


MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids


I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.


So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.


Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar


I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon