My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.