My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we鈥檝e sent him.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Pro tip: when you鈥檙e on your way home, don鈥檛 answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven鈥檛 gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Don鈥檛 send me back to bed if you don鈥檛 want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*knocks on neighbor鈥檚 door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I鈥檇 just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you鈥檙e so out of shape
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = 拢2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 馃檪 = 拢50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
if you鈥檙e on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house