My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
You Might Also Like
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Stick it to the man
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.