My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
You Might Also Like
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜