My five year plan is a meteorite
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon