My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!