My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
m’lady
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”