Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
your honor my client chooses dare
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.