My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.