Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.