My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
tinder is all about the long game
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Well, shit
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.