Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: lol, one sec bro
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
~ gas pumps