My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome