My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.