@isabelzawtun

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

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@dshack8

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

@jonnysun

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@RisingxxPhoenix

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

@trashcanbee

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@xysist

If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@thatUPSdude

Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?