My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

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Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.


i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have


Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.


Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.


My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.


*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…


If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.


Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?