i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.