My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.