My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
🏙👨🏼
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.